Liberal Party Unveils Justin Trudeau-Inspired Dildo

Published in The Link online on April 1, 2016

This is a satire.

At a surprise press conference in Ottawa this morning, the Liberal Party of Canada announced a new fundraising campaign—for every donation above $40, the Liberals will send back a dildo modelled after Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s penis.

“It’s important to have a personal connection with the public,” said Liberal spokesperson Dan Lauzon at this morning’s press conference, “and we think having a little—or not-so-little—part of the Prime Minister in every home is a great way to do that.”

Standing in front of a slideshow that transitioned between different angles of the Prime Minister’s surprising girth, Lauzon went on to say that each 6” long, 2.5” wide dildo was hand-made in Canada with premium Alberta-oil latex.

For an extra $10 donation, Lauzon added, donors can choose between water-based lubricant from Arctic ice, Rocky-Mountain meltwater, or the Prime Minister’s beloved St Lawrence Seaway. For an extra $20, donors have the option of including a lock of dildo pubes styled after Trudeau’s “magnificent” hair.

“These dildos represent the best of what Canada has to offer, at home and on the world stage,” Lauzon said. “While some people say Justin Trudeau has flip-flopped on election promises, we want to point out how firm our Prime Minister stands.”

Following Lauzon’s remarks, Christine Feuilletant—the Montreal artist who moulded the Prime Minister’s penis—took the stage to take questions.

“Justin was very chill about [the moulding process],” Feuilletant said. “Very down to earth.”

Feuilletant told the story of how, when she pointed out that Trudeau’s penis subtly curves to the left, he shrugged and said “progressivism is in my bones, I guess.”

“He was also keen to point out how feminist he is,” Feuilletant said, “and he wanted to make sure I was comfortable around his penis. I think it’s admirable that he is willing to put himself out like that… and like this.”

When asked by a reporter if the Prime Minister’s “carpet matches the drapes,” Feuilletant smiled, but refused to comment.

Lauzon then took back the stage and ended the conference, telling the reporter that he’d have to find out for himself.

Voters and potential donors seem excited.

“It’s hard enough to find a good Prime Minister, let alone a good guy,” said Tasha Brown, from British Columbia. “So when I heard about this I thought: Yes! Call my mom, my prayers are answered.”

Daniel Lee—who was at the conference from Winnipeg, and got to touch the samples the Liberals laid out—said they did a great job.
“I feel this really captures Trudeau’s personality,” Lee said. “It’s a really approachable dildo.”

“I voted for Harper [in 2015],” said Moira McKnight, a banker in Toronto. “I just thought Trudeau was style over substance. This, though… this is substantial.”

The event was live-streamed, live-tweeted, live-facebooked, and live-periscoped. Users were encouraged by the Liberals to share their thoughts, and many did—often with jokes.

One Twitter user, @TrudeauFan69x, tweeted: “i wouldn’t mind taking a tumble down the stairs with him, if u kno wat I mean. #trudeaumania”.

On Facebook, user Tim Singh asked: “I thought Trudeau was against pipelines? No way am I fitting that in my Southern Gateway.”

Sophie Grégoire-Trudeau could not be reached for comment by press time.